Mermaid Lovers and New Hooks: Ask A Pirate Lady
A Pirate Lady | Ye Twenty-Fourthe of August
Dear Pirate Lady,
I’ve never had a problem landing wenches when the ship drops anchor. They usually find my roguish banter to be positively charming. (And I can’t lie: a huge pile of doubloons, ivory cameos, and gold plated snuff boxes don’t hurt.) I have quite a reputation among the crew when it comes to sheathing my saber, if you catch my drift.
But then, a few months ago, I lost my hand while pillaging a English freighter, and had to have a hook put on. It’s been a tremendous boon to my aesthetic, and has given me a huge boost in confidence when it comes to savagely maiming other sailors. Here’s my problem: now, when we go to port, even the homeliest of lasses won’t give me a second look. No matter how many flagons of grog they’ve hoisted, once a wench gets a glance at my hook, she’s flying in the other direction faster than a pelican with his arse on fire. What can I do? I’m still the same loathsome, heartless marauder they used to know and love. How do I get the ladies to look past my horrible disfigurement?
Signed, Hooked and horny
May all the comforts of the sea and sails be upon you, ye poor one-handed devil. Haulin on lines and sheets with nae but one hand be quite the burden, though tis, as you’ve said, a blessing in terms o visage. But aye, it be a trouble with the wenches. And indeed, can ye blame the lasses? A hook is a powerful sharp and clumsy thing, something no lady wants near her nethers, no matter how much grog. And if ye be wantin to regain the affections of wenches, what ye need be a different sort o device to replace yer lost hand.
Now, keep yer hook on ye for most o the evening, aye, nigh after eight bells. Then, off with the hook (ye weren’t so daft as to get yer hook permanently affixed to yerself, were ye?) and on with a different sort of thing. And what thing may that be? Well, the world’s your oyster, matey. Maybe tis a carved hand that would be best, with extra attention to the first few fingers, and many a saucy wench will be glancing your way. But aye, mayhap a seasoned buccaneer like yerself, in search of the most exciting of lasses, could do well with something a wee bit more exotic. Surely ye be enough of a salty dog to have knowledge of the extra tools that come in handy when bedding wenches? Aye, fashion something of this nature, an upgrade yerself from a sloop to a schooner. The wenches won’t be able to help themselves from trying out yer new second mast. Take ye care, though! No matter what replacement ye fix on for yer hook durin wenchin-times, it must be carved of ivory or whalebone or somesuch thing. A wooden attachment will sink yer ship quicker than broadside cannon fodder, as stray splinters are as fatal as siren’s song in this sort of pillaging.
Dear Pirate Lady,
I really like this girl but I’m pretty sure we’re just friends-with-benefits. How do I ensure that we become more than this? Here’s the back-story: about a year ago, we met at a Spoon concert and we really hit it off and we were both a little drunk and one thing led to another… but she was kind of seeing someone at the time (not like anything serious). Over the past year, we see each other a couple of times a month for drinks or to go watch a movie or whatever and we usually end up having fooling around but anytime I try to steer the conversation towards anything that remotely resembles a “so are we in a relationship?” kind of thing, she changes the subject. I really like her but sometimes she starts dating these other guys and I try to be pretty cool about it but she just ignores my texts for weeks. What should I do? I really like her!”
Signed, Maudlin in Minneapolis
Tis a wondrous strange and unusual problem ye come at me with! Spoon concerts and movies? I’ve travelled beyond the Seven Seas, and speak passably well in any number of tounges, and still yer words be strange to my ears. Still, lasses and grog be the same, no matter the time nor place.
Since speakin with yer lady love ends in becalmed seas, it seems to me that yer lass is of a mind to keep her harbor open to dock multiple ships. And can ye blame her? The seas be harsh and unforgiving, an the rogue a lass has given her heart to may be drowned in salty depths afore she lay eyes on him again. In many a wench’s mind, tis better to have a fleet o lovers, rather than just one. Now, yer lass is telling you no lies, nor hiding her other knaves from ye – a right respectable strumpet if there ever was one. If ye cannae be happy sharing her affections with yer fellow buccaneers, tis time to find yerself a new lass. Ye must parley with her one last time – tell her you want your sails to be the only ones that make her heart race when she spies them on the horizon, or you’ll be forced to find a new port of call.
I’d bet a month’s booty that yer relationship’s scuppered, but that’s what the sea’s for, eh? Ship out on a frigate bound on a year-long journey, and fill yer head with adventure and the high seas. Push yer wench out of your mind, and find a lass wishing to plot a course that matches yer own – where yours will be the only ship in her harbor.
Dear Pirate Lady,
I have been seeing a beautiful mermaid for the last year and I am very happy in her seas. We are both divorced and have exchanged “I love you’s” already, so things really couldn’t be better emotionally. Things are also great physically. In fact, they have been explosive. Even after a year, we are still like 2 gushing teenagers. But there is just one problem. (Isn’t there always?) My girlfriend is a squirter. A. big. time. squirter. It’s great fun and I think I even have a little fetish for it now.
Anyway since dating her, I looked into it and squirters are apparently much more common than I was previously aware. And for the first few months we had a real blast in the bedroom. But now, the tide is starting to turn. Like many women, my sea nymph is capable of multiple orgasms. Now I know most guys would probably say “thats cool,” and dive right back in. But after our love making sessions, our beds look like post-Katrina New Orleans. I know this all probably seems drenched in silliness, but it’s actually a real problem. Sometimes I have to wash my sheets twice a day and I’ve already had to replace two sets of 600 counts! I love making this woman orgasm and usually the first 5 are the real big waves. After that, she ejaculates but with far less moisture. This is something that she and I have talked about, but we have never come up with any real solution. Sometimes we start in the shower and move to the budoir after the initial tidal wave of love making, but this doesn’t fix the problem entirely and we like to mix it up after all! So I guess my questions is: How do I make sure her love canal keeps flowing, but just not all over our beds? Because I really do not want to turn her into some dyke.
Signed, A waterlogged sailor
Aye, tis both the pleasure and curse of consorting with the lovely ladies beneath the sea! Having bedded a mermaid lass a time or two meself – and let me say, ye best think twice afore speaking against ye dykey mermaids – you’ll find few better things in the whole of the seven seas.
Still, yer problem be a troubling one, an you wouldnae be the first driven away from the joys of docking in a deep-water port due to waterlogged sails. What ye be in need of is a miraculous substance, aye, a type of sap found in trees north of Patagonia. Find yerself a skilled sailmaker who knows this substance well, and tell him ye be in dreadful need of bedsheets treated with the stuff. Give yer sailmakin man a wink and he’ll ask no more questions, but whip you up a set of bedsheets that’d make any merman of Atlantis swell with pride. Bed your salty mermaid lass upon these bedsheets, and though she may gush like the wake of a galleon pulling fifteen knots in seven-foot swells, yer bedsheets won’t take in a drop o moisture.
Dear Pirate Lady,
Buy from me hundreds of cheap blockbuster DVD and BluRay to sell. 100% Hollywood, high quality, with genuine color and sound. Also handbags.
Arrr, Ply your booty in other ports, ye rogue scallywag! Come round here again with yer pillaged goods, and you’ll be keelhauled til ye pray for Davy Jones’ sweet release!
Ask A Pirate Lady is one waterlogged wench who knows everything. Have ye questions for A Pirate Lady?
— God bless, The Bionicman